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When I saw you tonight I only hoped that the clusterfuckness wouldn't rub off on me.
About the worst kind of rejection is when a girl leaves a social function because you hit on her. Trust me on that.
Get this; I try too hard. I'm not accused of that too much so it must mean something, right?
So, why is it that when I insult people and turn my back on them that is the point they like me and try to be nice?
Society unofficially rejects me.
Girl, although I don't know it for fact yet, my gut feeling says that you have chosen unwisely.
There are some that I used to love. Others I used to respect. Others still that I revered. But now, for the most part, I would just like to give them the most savage beating of their lives.
I'm pretty sure that, approximately three years ago, I destroyed a relationship with the only girl that ever truely loved me. I think everything since has been punishment.
I have evolved into the kind of asshole that I feared as a child.
Hopefully, reinforcements are on the way in the form of drugs.
I have calculated that various and asundry people owe me a total of two hundred and seventy dollars. Where's my money?
My coworkers drug me before they will work with me. This must mean something.
I live in the shadow of my own failure everyday.
I'm still losing weight for people I don't even like.
There's nothing quite like the feeling of approximately 1500 milligrams of hydrocodones running through one's blood stream.
"I got a job making money for the man throwing chicken in a bucket with a soda pop can."
- Beck, "Soul Suckin' Jerk", from Mellow Gold
Why do I keep fucking up?
Fuck hunting; Fuck fishing; Fuck Fiona Apple; Fuck hair dye; Fuck cell phones; Fuck pizza; Fuck car alarms; Fuck Marilyn Fucking Manson and Kid Fucking Rock; Fuck the Lake; Fuck school and fuck you.
My only regret is the fact I never got to violate your naked body...
And the fact that I met you.
Don't read too much into all this. You're not that fucking important.
"One Month, No Calls"
I try to write songs but they become only scattered lines, half-truths, and mediocre melodies. I try to do something right but it only comes back to haunt me. I try to make something of myself and see only the same empty person standing before me in the mirror day after wretched fucking day. But know this, when I decide it's your time to pay:
Pay, you will.
I hope the one girl that ever really did can find it in her heart to love me again.
Fuck. Triple fucking fuck burger with extra lettuce and FUCK on the side.
I should be asleep right now.
Why has everyday got to be a fucking struggle? Please tell me if you know.
I could walk into a whorehouse and leave lonely with a full wallet. Fuck.
"These are the thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools."
-George Carlin
Ditto.
After speaking with her for no more than five minutes I deduced that she was a hoodlum and a whore. That she would grow up a drug addict with an illigetimate kid... or five.
"Oh my beautiful liar. Oh my precious whore. My disease, my infection. I am so impure."
- Nine Inch Nails, the name of the song escapes me
Why can't these fucking people be civilized?
Fuck you, your cell phone, your car alarm, your mom, your kid, your face, and everything you stand for.
Fuck. Screaming fucking miserable fuck.
Helpmehelpyouhelpushelpyourselfhelpsomeonehelpthemhelpmehelpmehelpme
"Sorry mom, sorry God."
Chuck Palahniuk, from the work Invisible Monsters
Dirty bitch
No, I do not want to "consolidate my debt", "buy prescription drugs cheap", "increase my stamina", "enlarge my breasts", "enlarge my penis", or watch "dirty, fea-bitten sluts" jam strange objects into their bodies. Go Tabor your wares to someone else.
"I am wasted but I'm ready."
Ben Kweller, "Wasted and Ready"
I was looking for a band I just really got into, the Teen Idols who were an awesome punk act from my area. They fucking broke up. That kind of ruins that idea.
It was in the upper thirties with a strong wind blowing and rain falling steadily. As I tried to affix clear tape to the pneumonia hole that I call a window I wondered how people could honestly ask me why I do drugs.
Hey, at least I'm not naming names.
Cannibas, take me away.
I thought they were the rejects; The whole time it was me.
Trying hard to be a good guy and finding it easier than I thought it would be. Also, finding out it's just as easy to be a bad guy.
So, I let the kid who looks a little like Tabor borrow my lighter outside at school. I do so thinking that he is going to use it to light his cancer of choice. About the same time as I noticed the, seemingly empty, wine bottle on top of the trash can, I see that he's trying to light a fire cracker in the hopes of throwing it inside the building's entrance. Why, I may never know. I guess everyone gets their kicks somehow.
I didn't know whether to punch him in the face for misusing my property or congradulate him on his gusto.
I did however, just get my lighter back and go, quickly, in the opposite direction.
Fucker never got it lit.
Regrets and other miscellaneous.
"And I never meant to cause you trouble"
"And I never never meant to do you wrong
"Ah, well if I ever caused you trouble"
"Oh no, I never meant to do you harm"
- Coldplay, "Trouble"
"And into the eyes of the jackyl I say ka-boom"
"Bye bye, baby goodbye [bye bye]"
- Smashing Pumpkins, X.Y.U. from Mellon Collie and the Infinites Sadness
My life lacks any substancial meaning. I have little direction. I have nothing to offer society.
I am slowly learning to reject your society and find new means.
And the transition from pot to hydrocodones was almost seemless.
We all have the one that got away. This is usually for the best.
Stan "The Boy" Tayler: "I was getting drunk and sleeping with lingerie models every night until Ned and his bible group showed me I could have more."
Homer: "Professional athletes... Always wanting more."
Everything I needed to know I learned from the Simpsons.
"Break-neck Speed"
I can't decide if I'll be ok or if I'm on a steadily quickening course towards self-destruction.
This, in and of itself, is probably a bad thing.
And I quote:
Oh, bell.
Procol Harum = "Beyond these things"
At least you can do a Yahoo! search on and find the site now.
My heart can be a real tard sometimes.
I miss you so much.
Fuck.
My sister drank the last of the NyQuil and ate up all the Hydrocodones. At least I smoked the last of my own dope.
"It's so hard to let you go; I will make you change your mind."
"...Run with the Hunted."
Bush, "Mindchanger" from The Science of Things
So I asked her. I had to leave a message on her voice mail. I bumbled through it clumbsily. Now I wait until tommorrow for an answer. I get the feeling this night will be a long one.
No call back. I guess I can go fuck myself.
I'm such a fucking loser.
I need some fucking drugs and/or alcohol, badly.
"All the independant women in the house... show us your tits and shut your motherfucking mouth."
You want to know how women and fish are alike?
I hate them both.
"I wanted to destroy something beautiful."
I find that I don't feel like doing much anymore besides doing drugs and hating life.
Rejected again.
