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I fear that I am to be a man forever denied. Denied what? All things dear. I have no money, no one who needs me. The love of my father, the laugh of my brother are never to be mine. I never even got to know my own innocence. I never got to be trusting, I never got to be the good guy, the hero. I have a great mind, but that just great enough to let me see those who outstrip me. Hell I don't even know for sure I won't be forever damned by my own hand. But I could put all that behind me, and never look back. Some how perfect love don't seem beyond my reach. I guess hope really does spring eternal. If it weren't for my having the best friends and step father anyone could ask for I would have long since given up.
Sometimes I think he was the lucky one.
I'm not supposed to put it behind me. I think that when ever I find something that I belive and trust and it's yanked away through no fault of my own. Maybe I supposed to brood and be bitter. Maybe I am supposed to be hateful and mad all the time. Till 6 months ago I lived by my own rules, and no one elses. I did some horrible things but I didn't break my rules. Now I don't know what I live by because doing the right thing seems hard. No immpossible. All the weak parts of me got worn away a long time ago, what's left is hard and ugly. Sometimes I think I can never be hard enough, strong enough. I think that something important, something majestic must depend on me being a wrong. I'd give up my last hope of happiness for something grand, but christ don't I get to know what it is all for?
I had one chance with something decent and I messed that. I supppose men like me don't ever get more the one try to make something moral of themself. I don't know why after all this that comes as such a shock.
Yeah God you finally won I am mad at you. I don't hate you but I need something from you. Either half a chance or for you to finally destroy me. Please just pick.
Have I already lived and died? Forever 1/2 a step from a good life? Not perfect just good. Could this be my hell?
I ever tell you doll that the Bible says the Lord on test the rightous? By that logic I sometimes think I must be a very very rightous man. Have I said that before?
They say that evil men don't think they are evil, and I say nay. In fact I would say most of us know we are, thats the drive. The harder you try to run from being a villian the more it draws you in.
"Feel the pain of a man who was never a boy" - DMX
Have I been given eyes so that I may but see my own misery?
So many things I wish I could say, but that would just be wrong. Sometimes you have to let something go even though it hurts.
Maybe I should stop falling for sweet girls, and stay with dirty whores. They at least are willing to hang around me. I never cry at night alone over them.
Just want sex? I wish that is all I wanted. I want to not be a stepping stone guy, the training wheels, the man who how you treat him is your great test. I am begining to see that is what I have been for soooo many people. For my father I was the last chance to put aside all the horror of his own life. For my mother her last chance to be great in her youth. They both failed, although my mother over came her failure my father didn't. A cousin had a chance to save a child from something horrible but she didn't. For my step father helping me was his chance at building a new life and he came through like a champ. I hope one day I am half the man he is. My frist love hers was a chance to learn what a pathetic thing she could be something I think she did. First heart I broke was her chance to hit bottom so she could move on. My buddy he needed to know someone would come through as a friend while others forgot him, but you can't have a buddy like that and build a life with a woman. I understand that now at the top of my head, but I think I have known that in my secret heart for a long time. So the distance had to came. I just hope that it doesn't stay forever. I'm not mad at them, in a way I love them all. But Christ doesn't something get to really be about me, or at least about us? Us being whoever is in it with me...
Mayhap I am not being fair, but that is how I feel.
The grave at the end of the Reba MacEntire video has my only brother's name on it, and he is dead.
adfladldsfkNOTEVENTRYINGadlk========
It seems as if I was ment to be a monster. A real life Saint of Killers? Does he want my hate? I try and try to find a way to be a decent guy but I'm not really good at it. I shouldn't be surpised that something that makes me a better man should be drawn away so fast. It's the glisme of other lives that I could have had that are slowly driving me mad, and I think slowly killing my spirt. You see those with you can't help but notice the wonder and beauty life can hold. Wonder and beauty are such perfect things, but you can live without them in your life. But to briefly touch them every now and then... that I do not belive I can bear.
Mayhap Chuck Palanuck was right and perfection was only ment to last a brief moment in this life.
"The horror of it was he was a decent man" -
There we stood unrepentent
Oh so proud to be the Unforgiven
Part of me will always be 7 and hiding under a bed while my father beats my mother.
My chair is falling apart, so is my closet, and I have 56k internet access. Between that and the dead battery in watch my I'm looseing it.
