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Always tommorrow.
Whatever.
I may as well be pissing into the wind.
"White Noise"
So, about two days ago I'm sitting in the caffeteria amist conversations and a realization overcomes me.
People are quickly becoming like a television to me. By that I mean to say that having them around and them speaking and such is like having the radio on while you sleep or do housework; Background noise. They speak and I hardly hear while gears grind on inside my skull.
Maybe that's normal.
Probably not, but I know all the appropriate times to smile and nod.
Oh, I really like you but I don't think you'd understand what this is all about at all. No one else seems to.
It's a great conspiracy against me concerning the universe. And the Napkin Makers Guild.
I think that I have unwittingly chased away anyone left capable of putting up with my shit.
Unreliable druggies
Well-meaning fools
Good guys
Bad men
Pacifism
I'm so tired of being alone.
What now?
I hate my job so much.
There must be some way to get this poison out of my soul.
If it's possible I'm sure I've managed sexual deviancy without being sexually active.
What am I thinking? I'm trying not to imagine you on fire as I grit my teeth into a smile and wish I were anywhere else but in your exclusive presence.
I've made an ass of myself enough times to know that, when all else fails, silence is truely the best answer.
Comfortably numb.
This could become a habbit.
I'm glad I'm not that important.
"Real Men Drink Until Their Hearts Stop"
I remember a particularly sad episode of sobbing and telling a girl, while she held me, that I wasn't a sissy; I was a man.
Looking back now, that situation is sort of ironic, really.
Perhaps I'm trying to make up these sorts of slips by slowly torturing myself.
I hate you and stupid fucking subculture. You and your worthless words. You and your smiling face. I can only hope that you will some day be as miserable as I am, you worthless excuse for excrement.
The more I talk to people the more I become disinheartened by humanity.
I have to face this shit.
Don't pretend you care when you don't.
"Question of Etiquette"
Would it not be slightly more polite to at least sit with the man that got you high and bought your lunch?
(?interrogative?)
I don't think it's asking too much.
Stop buying pizzas and malt liquor. Go out and buy things like clothes, books, and real food.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."
My words are only a shadow.
The English language is so clunky. It takes so much to convey so little. If I could just convey thoughts and emotions things would be infinitely easier. If I could touch another soul in some meaningful manner... Words never say enough. Language is so inadequate.
Instead, I come here and bitch and piss and moan.
I wish I could make you see that it can be better than this.
To make you see there's more
To help you believe in something.
To show you I am more and that you are capable.
Perhaps I'm just full of shit.
Desperately seeking someone.
"Conversation Ender"
It's an awfull day outside. Steady rains are falling and towering gray clouds are stealing the sunshine. Puddles of wretched water are everywhere like plague and small rivers are creasing the sidewalks.
Today I noticed that, without a doubt, there is hole in the side of one of my shoes.
This is bad
My foot is now immersed in it's own watery stench and will be so for a longish time. I can feel the stagnant water squish gingerly between my toes as I write this.
Oh, but the best part is:
It's cold today. It's the sort of cold that takes your breathe in steamy clouds from your mouth as you stagger through the day's business. So, later tonight when I remove my filthy, wrinkly, and nearly numb foot from my failing shoe, I will have the fact that my foot is still attached and in working order to be thankful for at least.
Saying that you must leave quickly to go take a shit ends just about any conversation/situation/confrontation imaginable. People, as a rule, want to avoid trouser chili as much as possible.
Remember these magic words: "I gotta go take a shit."
I'm tired of being alone.
(Surely you can see where this is going.)
