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One time my father literally pissed on me.
I don't say any of this for shock value, or to bitch. As a matter of fact this a scream of defeinace, not a plea for sympathy. This is bragging that I have been through more then you and that you can't match me, not trying to get you to cry.
It was in the shower when he pissed on me. He had desided that I was too old to have Mom bath me, so he was going to take a shower like a grown man. In the shower I guess he thought it would be funny to take a piss on his only son. I don't really know why he did it, that is the best I can figure as he really got a good laugh out of it.
Another time him and my mother seperated for around 6 weeks and I stayed with him. Yeah Ma fucked up there (yet another of my issues with women) so David thought it was okay to fuck Cindy in front of me, while I was 'asleep' - too afraid and disgusted to speak - in the back seat at a drive in movie theater. Who was Cindy you ask?
I was barly 5 and my folks had a few hours they both worked. A younger girl up the street from the place we lived had her own place. It was simply AMAZING. She even had what she told me was a shark. Ironiclly I didn't belive her at the time but later learned that there are some speices of shark that are small enough to live in a fish tank. Oh bell. She was beautiful, tall and thin, small breats and strait hair. Kind of a raspy voice. She was about the niceist anyone had ever been to me - told me stories and what a handsome boy I was and backed peanut butter cookies for me. I had the huggest crush on her. Her name was Cindy.
To this day I don't find really thin girls or small breats attractive. And I don't like strait hair. In fact they make me a little sick to my stomach.
I understand that a 5 year old with a crush will never ever in a million years be with the 20 something he likes. But I don't think it is unfair to say seeing your father's (still married) balls slaming aginist her ass and hearing her moan like a whore that she loves in and he's SO BIG is not how it should end. He fucked her quite a few times that six weeks. I watched most of them.
Another time he beat me so bad that to this day it hurts when I move a certin way. He thought I was looking for a gun, but still.
Or I could go on about the time he put a gun to the dogs head and threatened to blow her brains out, or the HUNDREDS of times he whipped mom's ass. In front of me.
He kind of set the bar low so I could still be a monster and think I was a better man then him.
I remember when I told him I wanted him out of my life. I was 11. I had never cursed before, and he called after a 2 year absence from my life. Not a card, a visit, a check, or a call. I told him what I really thought, and my mother and grand partents were shocked, but understood why. At 11 I kicked my father out of my life, because I had too.
I was about 8 when I walked in on her with her tits out. Looking back I wonder if she set that up to see how I would react. She used it as an excuse to take me up stairs next time we were alone. She made me go down on her, and she went down on me. Oral sex if your wondering. To this day I prefer to start sex off with oral as foreplay.
19 years later After carrying the man who raised me to his final resting place I had to comfort the sister of the woman who molested me, and tell her about it. Why? Because when I walked into the funeral I saw her holding an 8 year old girl. My 2nd cousin's daughter. The other is 2 years old. Fuck I didn't even get to bary him in peace. Like he said "Life is all mixed up for our family."
To those who thought I was arrgoent before, now I think God is on my side.
You are not ready for the the thing I have become. Nor am I.
I'm just an undead mage trying to make it in a mixed up world he never created.
I've got skin coming off my hands from the water in the pallets, and paint that is a bitch to get off. And a wart. What would those who called my hands beautiful say now?
whywhatdidIdotodeservethislifei'llpayforeverandi'mnotevensureforwhatsomeonehavemercysomeonehearthis...
On second thought do your worst.
"I can stand a little pity now and then." Vurca Salt
I've moved beyond what you can hurt what you can touch, what you can destroy.
I really need someone to comfort me for a while. But who?
As long as you are laughing then you are winning. I just wish that I could make a few more people understand that.
They say you can't keep a good man down, but I keep getting up anyway.
fuck it I get punished either way
None of this is about them. Don't want too make anyone cry.
Pain Freedom Pain
I finally understand what I need to do, what I am, and where this is all going. I hope that makes you afraid, because I don't like being afraid by myself.
Born to conqur.
I hate my job.
Justice only comes in caliburs and gauges.
His name is Glen. Time and again his name is Glen.
Is trust always a mistake?
I did the right thing, so now I get to be alone. FUCK ASS! I know that it had no chance and it was better to let them go free but that doesn't make me any less lonely, or them hate me any less for not wanting them the way they want me.
Then the real shit hits and everything in life that has went wrong doesn't seem like that big a deal.
After all that don't I deserve a second chance, wouldn't that be enough to explain why a man made a bad mistake? The answer appears to be a resounding NO. Good, I'd rather do the inpossible.
