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winter's lonely vigil has begun...
" your timing sucks, but you called in time so i'm not too pissed...not yours. hers."
it's snowing outside so i'm feeling sentimental.
fuck.
no i'm not.
for some reason it seems that all passion for people has left me, that even the one closest to my heart ( at least, as close as i can allow him to become for the moment ) i must systematically shy away from, and alienate.
it confuses me that i cannot allow myself the thing i want the most. it's right fucking THERE and i won't take it. perhaps a tribute to my ever present stubbornness, or the fact that denial of what i want most says something for my (self control? utter willingness to create for myself the pain that i apparently cherish so much?)
who knows?
it is my fault that i am alone here and now. i tried but it never seems to matter.
if i try hard enough i can avoid for a moment or two the little voice in my head who says simply, " i long to die. "
isn't that why we live, to avoid the voice who knows we should not exist?
i know nothing. obviously.
this year i resolve to starve my body until society deems me beautiful. isn't that a conflict of interests?
i fucking hate slow drivers.
i long to die.
he was so beautiful. so horribly beautiful.
i fucking hate him.
i don't know if i'll live long enough to regret everything i've ever done to hurt anyone i've ever loved.
hah.
as if you care.
you don't care. so what does it matter?
so are you going to bring me some of those coffee beans?
