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This has been the worst year of my life. No doubt. No question about it.
"The Beginning of the End"
How did I arrive here. I ask myself everyday, probably.
How did I get to this particular point in my life where everything hinges on this misery day after day. Everything is the same. Same routine. Get up. Shower. Work. Go home. Go to hospital. Go home. Sleep. Rinse, lather, repeat. Just like shampoo.
Somedays, when I'm off, I stray from this. I go, mow the yard. Clean the house. Mail some shit. Normal folks stuff. But, at the end of the day it's all the same. I have nothing left worth living for. Or, more accurately, the things that are left worth living for will either be gone soon or aren't enough for me.
Sometimes I wonder if there's something I could do, or say now that might make a difference. Turn things around.
None of that matters. My dad's still dying, and she's still not talking to me.
"The End of the Beginning"
I'm being sure to fill out my insurance papers. I've got a fifty thousand dollar life insurance policy now.
The only things that make anything better are the ones' I have to stay away from.
My mind wanders constantly.
So, my trust in people is non-existant. After you share parts of yourself with another person and they come to reject that you learn that sharing isn't what they taught you in kindergarden. You learn not to trust. Trust is akin to weakness. Pain is weakness leaving the body. I only know pain. I shiver. I snort. I weep. I burn. I boil. I hate. I love.
All of that is not really important in the long run. I will cure no disease. I will save no life. I will create no life. I will enrich no life.
In my darkest hour the one I need has left me and all I have is sorrow.
"I believe I can see the future; 'Cause I repeat the same routine. I think I used to have a purpose. Then again that might have been a dream."
"Every day is exactly the same. There is no love here and there is no pain."
-Nine Inch Nails, "Every Day is Exactly the Same"
It never gets better. You just lose more of yourself.
Ha. Keep on telling me things get better. Tell me a lie so I can have a happy ending.
We are less than we give ourselves credit for.
I'm tired of being miserable everyday. That's what it comes down to. I think most people that give up aren't making some bold statement. They're just tired of misery. It's all very selfish, really.
I started keeping a journal a week and a day ago. I've since stopped. What's the point? It solves nothing.
Silence is a lie trying to scream the truth.
The ironic part of this is now that I'm alone I will have a home, I'm getting a new car, I have money... All the shit that would have been good. Would have made things better.
Sometimes I wonder if she's suffering as much as me. Probably not even close.
I wish that someone would tell me a sweet little lie right now. I could sure use it.
God help me. God help us all.
