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First thing I want to say is I am not trying to get you back. This is my confession. Corny I know but true. I feel that you have a right to know the truth after all this time. And it's good for me to tell it. No more secrets no more lies. I'm not here asking for forgiveness, I don't think I warrent it. Just me trying my best (something I didn't do enough for you) to tell the truth.
I'll start at the begining. I am afraid of almost everything all the time. I'm a coward, and a failed idealist. I don't think anyone has fewer ethics then an failed idealist. In your live journal (I wasn't lying about not reading it see below) you said you had given up on figureing me out. I am going to lay it all out.
I don't know if I ever told you this but the first time I saw you you had your hair some weird color and had on the shitist cloths I ever seen you wear. And I knew I had to have you, because you where still the most amazing creatrue I had ever seen. That never changed, just my balls to tell you.
What caused all this was me being an idiot, and having the things that happend to me with Joni Cook and my father. I was a good son and a good boyfreind to her. I even asked her to marry me. I have never told anyone that. She treated me very badly and so did he. So I figured if you are good you are punished, be bad. And I was. And I let an angel get treated like shit for 2 and 1/2 years. This is not an excuse of any kind. I did it. It is my fault, not Joni's not my father. They might have set me on the road but I walked it and I could have left. Easy. Just stoped and been with the love of my life.
I cheated a few time. I lied about it alot, and the looking. I even stole a little back when we turned in change in the begining. I lied to freinds too, that way I wasn't putting them in a bad spot. And I never realized that is why you where never happy because I wasn't really there, and I was treating you bad. I lied about not taking you back if I had the chance.
I must have been blind, or self destructive.
I'm not asking for you back, because I don't deserve you. I don't know if I ever did, and that time has long passed if it ever was. YOu are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, you have the voice of an angel. You are smart, and good at video games. You gave me the most perfect love and I had so many chance to save it and I didn't. This is all my fault, and not your's at all. Or if it is your in anyway it is in the you let me get by with too much and stayed with me too long way. Yeah you have flaws but they are little normal flaws. I have big what the heck is wrong with that weirdo flaws. And I think mine created and exagurted yours. I mean you smoked and I was lying bastard sex feind. I should have been true and honest. I should have repented. How could you not lash out at me the way I treated you? And no you seem like you don't even care, I'm just a bad memory. That is the worst.
And the desire for kink was just a way of degrading myself. I guess I was trying to push you away.
3 weeks in Big Clifty alone made me realize that if I ever find someone else who loves me 1/2 as much, gives me 1/2 as much (stuff, time, effort, love, of them self), and is all around 1/2 the woman you are I will be a very lucky man. You are a once in a couple life times kind of girl, because I know people who lived and died and never had a chance with someone like you. And I have joined the list of idiots who fucked it up with you. Oh well. Just for the record you love was even better then my family since they left me with my father for 8 years. Who ever gets you is one luck sob.
I am not going to tell you I have turned over a new leaf, beg for another chance, or any of that crap. You have heard enough bull shit out of me, so now some stuff you know is true. You should get someone better then me. I would rather die that say that but it is true. You shouldn't belive me I have never came through for you. You shouldn't give me another chance. Maybe use me for advice about the new men, or a fuck when your bored but if you are smart you won't throw good time after bad. As a freind I'm a sure thing. As a man in your life I have shown what a fuck up I am. I broke down today August 2, 2004 and read your live jornal.
Now that I hope I might have something kind of like creditabilty again I want to say a few things that you didn't belive (nor should you have considered what a fool I was/am?) but where true. I didn't want you to dye your hair because I know that your the most wonderful thing ever and you don't need to change yourself, just see how wonderful you are. I do belive you are as good looking as any model, better then most. YOu are great in bed. I do love you, I am just a idiot and a fool. I really didn't want to get married till I could take care of you money wise. I wasn't fucking your right because I was disgusted with myself. I seemed to put my frenids in front of you because you scare me so much and they don't. And I avoid scary things. I will say the thought of me touching another woman is kind of gross. I will say that I was telling the truth when I told you I am going to try and take the high road. I will say that I admit that I haven't ever done it yet. But this seems like a good first step.
Now let me say a few things that I didn't know how too but should have. I didn't lie about them, but I sure didn't bring everything out. Gay people will proably always make me at least a little uneasy. I was trying to push you away and didn't know it. I really thought things were getting better and I was going to be able to stop and be with you the right way. I was so afraid you would do what you did, although for different reasons. Namely I thought you wouldn't want to try it with you not in school, and then me graduateing. The happist moments in my life where sitting in your car and just talking. I know I should have went down on you more, you deserved it. I know I didn't deserve the things you did for me in and out of bed.
I am sorry for what that is worth. I hope you and this new guy are happy if there is a steady new guy I wasn't sure on that Keep an eye on him and don't take any shit. You always wanted to know why I said I touched you the way I do, and it was because I ment it. That was true. I wish I could have given you the most erotic moment of your life, and would have it weren't for the doubt I CREATED. I think I might be insane. I am going to get some professional help.
I am going to do something really fucking stupid. It will haunt me for years, this thing I am about to do. And you know what, I am looking forward to it. Give me a hint that you want me to beg to get you back and I will. But I belive you don't so I avoid making things harder for you. I want to beg for you to be mine, to take me back. Promise it will never ever happen. I want to scream your name from the rough tops. I want to yell out I LOVE THIS WOMAN like a bad comercail.
I don't really ever expect to see you again and that is the saddist thing in my life. Some where deep down I have stayed a little boy. Some kind of fucked up idea that my dad would come show me how to be a man, and my worst fear came true I was starting to be like him. Selfish. Evil. Making a fool of myself in public. No fuck that I was and maybe still am like him. I don't deserve the good people in my life - my family, my freinds, you. I hope one day I can be someone who does.
Editor's Note: By the rules of this site this should appear in Evil Empires Knows All. However, due to technical constraints it is here. Sorry for any inconveinence.
